I Will Remain
by OmoideKeeper
Summary: *UPDATED 3.30.03* Aya writes a letter to Yohji after the third episode in the series. Yohji writes a letter back after everything's over, but will he only end up with regrets? Mild spoilers for things, angst, mature themes.
1. I Will Remain

I Will Remain

* * *

Youji, 

I'm not good with words. We both know that. Everyone who has had even remote dealings with me knows that. So why the hell I'm pretending I am long enough to write this letter, I have no idea. I don't know what the point of this letter is. It's not even as if we talk that much. We're part of the same team, we work at the same shop, we live in the same place, that's about it. 

But... you're hurt right now. That mission, that girl's death, it hurt you more than you want to acknowledge. Sure, you hide it behind that smile, behind your teasing the customers at the shop. You hide it behind your carefree player attitude that annoys people so much. You're even better at pretending nothing's wrong than the rest of us. Much better than me, at least. 

It's not my place to pry into your life. It's not my place to give you advice, or to offer you comfort for what's happened. I... don't know how... so I shouldn't even bother trying. We're assassins. We deal with death all the time. But... somehow it hurts when it's someone we've become attached to. 

I'm writing this to you because you're hurting. That's the basic point, I suppose. We're a team, and you're hurting. I can say it's because I think you might jeopardize the missions if you're upset. I can say it's because you'll act differently, you won't be able to do what we need to. 

But that would be a lie, wouldn't it? So far I've been the one making those kinds of mistakes. So, I can't tell you that. I can't lie to you about something as petty as that, Youji. So, I won't. 

Ken and Omi aren't going to approach you. They think you'll figure it out, but they're worried. But they won't come and ask you what's wrong. They won't ask you why you're so upset. After all... we all don't pry into each other's pasts, do we? No, we don't. It's our rule, I guess. 

But... it's your past that's hurting you more than that girl from Liott, isn't it? 

Or is it... a combination of the two? 

Who am I to speculate, Youji? 

You... didn't come with us on that mission. The one where I lost it. The one where... I allowed myself to be captured by the ghosts of my past... and those of my present. I... was glad you didn't see me then. Screaming at the top of my lungs, my thoughts connecting with only one word. Takatori. 

I joined Weiß for revenge, Youji. Not for justice, not for helping innocents, not for any other reason. For revenge. I don't have an honorable goal. For me, this is just a way to get further towards the person who I want to kill. 

Takatori Reiji. 

But... you want something else, Youji. I can see it in your eyes, when you're listening to a mission. When you're thinking, and you don't realize I'm watching you, looking at you. You want to keep people safe. You want to keep women safe. Because... you lost someone, didn't you? 

I shouldn't pry, I know. But... I can't help it. I'm worried about you, Youji. 

I didn't even know I still knew how to say that, much less feel the emotion of being worried about someone. 

But I guess I do. 

I guess, the point is, I don't want you to have to hurt alone. 

You're strong, Youji, don't get me wrong. Stronger than most people. Stronger than the rest of us, I think. But... even the strongest people get hurt, don't they, Youji? 

Maybe I'm not making sense. I'm probably, no, definitely overstepping the boundries we've put in place, aren't I? 

But... I guess, I wanted to say, if you're hurt... if you think something's too much to bear anymore, if you decide... you don't want to have to mask everything all the time... I'm here. 

I'm probably the last one you expected to say that. Probably the last one you wanted to say that, aren't I? But... it's there now. And that's why I'm writing with pen, not pencil, why I promised myself I would only write one draft. So I wouldn't be able to reconsider what I'm saying to you, the way I usually do. 

So, for once, I can just talk. 

Youji... talk to me. I want to help you. I want to hear your story, even if that's selfish. I want to understand why you're hurt so badly. Who's hurt you so badly. Why someone like you had to be hurt. 

Cry, Youji. Tell me who you've lost. Even if you won't tell me, tell someone. Let it out, let it go. Don't let it consume you. Don't become like me, Youji. You'll hide it the way you do, but inside... don't become like me. 

People are stupid. They do things like giving away their hearts. They get angry and kill one another, or hire assassins to kill them. They call themselves superior to other species, to each other. They say words like 'forever' and 'always', even though there really is no such thing. They toss around emotions and play with other people's minds. They really are... stupid. 

But... we can't help it, can we, Youji? 

Don't... hurt so much, Youji. I know... you lost someone. And you just lost another. 

But girls come and go, Youji. As crude as it sounds, girls come and go. But... I will remain. Even if my reasons for fighting change, Youji, I will remain. 

Take care, Youji... and talk to someone. You know where we all are. 

~Aya 


	2. Regrets

Dear Aya...

Is that even what I should be calling you anymore?  I don't know.  But then again, maybe I don't know anything at all.

I guess you've probably wondered why in all the time we were in Weiß I never said anything about that letter you sent me after we dealt with Liott.  Well... I can't tell you I didn't get it, since I obviously did.  And I can't claim I brushed it off as a joke, seeing how I'm sitting here writing this now--even if it doesn't make a difference.

So let me write this, Aya, Ran, whoever you are... it doesn't really matter.  You've probably forgotten all about me and that letter.  But let me write this.

When you first came to us--no, when Ken first brought you... I took you up to my room after Ken dumped you on the couch.  I watched you while you slept, did you know that?  No... of course not.  And as soon as you woke, I taunted you about the name you called out--Aya, which became your name.  Truth was... I was jealous of that girl, and that's why I bothered.

All right, I can just see you rolling your eyes at me, but come on, Aya!  You have to know how goddamn beautiful you are.

There.  I said it.  You'd probably hate me for it, but at least I said it.  You're one of the coldest bastards I've ever met... but no one in all my playing around, my joking... no one has come close to your beauty, your fiery hair, your violet eyes...

So... when I got that letter from you, I tried to ignore it.  I mean, what the hell else was I supposed to do?  Answer it?  And say what?

But when Neu died... when I killed her... that letter was the only thing that kept me from following Asuka's ghost and try to gain forgiveness from a girl I lost too long ago.

But I still didn't say anything.

OK, I'll admit it.  I was an idiot to not say anything.  I was a fool to not see what you were going through when Aya-chan went missing.  There is no justification for it.

And now, Aya... now I can't even tell you anything.  Schuldich warned me this would happen if I waited too long, but I never wanted to believe that someone I respected so much would be so stupid.  I guess I should've tried a little harder... but it's a little late for regrets now.

So, as I sit here, Aya, staring at you as you just lie there, oblivious to the world... as I listen to Omi's sobs and Ken's quiet cursing, I write you this letter back.  You promised me you would stay.  You said you'd always be there.

Aya... Ran... don't let go.  Don't slip away.  You did your best to leave everyone behind--hell, you would've succeeded if the happy couple hadn't stopped by to see how you were doing.  Do you know what it was like for them to see you lying in a pool of your own blood with a katana--_your_ katana--in your chest with your hands still clutching the hilt?

I'm sorry, Aya.  I just hope I'll be able to tell you... something.

~Yohji

Ok, ok, I'm sorry this took so long.  And I promise an epilogue within the next month.  You can hold me to that one.


End file.
